I Used to be sad: Part Deux

I left off with OCD. Before I go any further, a few things to mention. I recently spoke with a person close to me, who suffers from Severe OCD. In her case, it is a chemical inbalance and needs to be treated. I would imagine the same thing goes for depression. Always seek help. To a certain point, it is mind over matter. However, some of us are chemically imbalanced and that needs to be addressed. You may need the extra medical help, and that's ok.

In my case.....

It was temporary as well. About a year of suffering from compulsive, paranoid behavior. I believe that it was induced by severe trauma and stress. It's as if my mind broke one day and allowed the OCD to seep through. Once I started to get control of my mind, body and soul, these behaviours disapeared as fast as they appeared.

I'm not a psychiatrist and I didn't recieve help for my issues. It was a journey of self discovery and self diagnosis. I don't expect everyone to be able to handle their problems the same way that I did.

I read a lot, and I faced my demons on my own. If you aren't strong enough to do this, please seek help!

Over the years, I have experienced brief glimpses of many serious disorders. I have always, somehow gained control. I'm too stubborn to get off of my destined path in life.

However, I'm not perfect. Hell, it would be rediculous to claim that I'm completely healed from my past, when I'm not.

I likely have an eating disorder....Binge eating.

I have a difficult time balancing a normal diet because of my impulse to gorge at times. At other times, I will eat very little and it becomes a continuous circle of Eat>Don't Eat>Gorge>Don't Eat>Eat.

But hey, who doesn't have issues?! You just have to keep moving forward, keep fighting. Seek help when needed. Talk about it! Don't be ashamed of who you are, be proud instead.

I'm always here if anyone needs someone to talk to...

I wish you all well,

Cheers

Sig.

Pst! Can You Keep a Secret?! I Used to be Sad

Part Un:

And by sad, I mean seriously depressed. Yes, I'm about to let you have a small glimpse of my past. I'm doing this because, I believe that my screw-ups will someday be someone else's success story.

Now, where to start.....

"Stuff" happened in my past that contributed to my growing depression. I'm not going to break it down. It's personal and I don't believe in pointing fingers. That being said....

I believe that I was 15 ish when I started to become severely depressed. I didn't care about how I looked and I certainly didn't care to attract young boys.

At this age (15-16 ish), I needed to find an outlet for my anger. I had a thing for Freud and recognized that I had a problem, I just didn't know how to fix it. I didn't have help, and I'm not sure that people realized the torment that I was putting myself through.

I began to write- I wrote about the dark, angry things that swallowed up my thoughts. Every day, I dedicated a new thought to a small journal I kept. It was an innocent looking journal, with two small horses on its front cover. I locked up my depression in the pages of that journal.

After a while, the journal fixation became stale, I needed a new outlet. I was even angrier now. Writing angry thoughts on a piece of paper and ripping it into tiny shreds, just wasn't cutting it anymore.

Cutting....


And so I did. For a brief moment in my life, I started to experiment with cutting myself. Thankfully, I stopped before I got brave enough to go deeper and cause some serious scarring.

Let me explain to you, how cutting myself made me feel....

It was both sick and satisfying all at once. It put me into a haze, or trance like world. It allowed me to escape from my reality.

I had control! I got to pick the sacred spot on my arm, that would be sacrificed to the knife. I felt like a useless being who needed to be punished.

When I drew blood, I felt triumphant. It was thrilling to see the blood trickling down my arms. I felt powerful, because I controlled this hurt on my body, NOBODY ELSE!

Control....

It took me about 6mths of on and off cutting to realize that this was very wrong. It became less enjoyable, and I was tired of covering up my arms with long t-shirts. And then one day, it Hit me!
I was looking for control, over myself.

The issue all along, was that I felt completely and utterly out of control of my life, body and decisions. That is why I cut myself.

I was lucky enough to figure that out on my own. I started to recognize my depression and I chose to face it.

Some of us aren't that lucky. Take it from somebody who's been there, trapped in a whirlwind of self destruction. I know how you're feeling. I know the hurt, dissapointment and anger that consumes you.

You CAN get through anything in life! ANYTHING! Nobody can tell you to do it, you have to want it for yourself. I'm just telling you that it's possible...your choice.

Was I completely healed from my own self destruction, after stumbling on to its cause?

NO!

Next came the tormenting habits of flicking the light switch on, and off, and on, and off. Followed by the obsessive washing, and re-washing, and re-washing of my newly cracked and chapped hands.

OCD.....